Dear Upcoming Newlyweds,
Congratulations! You have finally found the one person in the entire world that you want to spend eternity with! I hope that through all of life's peaks and valleys, your spouse is your strength and support!
Wait...you've been together for...a month? Two? And now you are committing to spending the rest of your life with him/her? Are you stupid? Clearly you fail to understand the gravity of what you are about to do.
You know that feeling you get when you see your soon-to-be-spouse (henceforth named SO for significant other)? That queasy, butterflies-in-your-tummy, awash with warmth feeling? That's not true love. You know all those cute things your SO does that makes you giggle or feel all weak-kneed? That's not true love. That amazing feeling when you are lying together after mind-blowing sex and you feel like you are going to melt into a single being? That's not true love. And its not going to sustain you for a lifetime.
Remember that time your SO got so drunk you had to hold his/her hair out of his face while he vomited? When you could barely stand up straight yourself? And the smell made you want to vomit, too? Now imagine doing that when he is 70 years old, after his chemotherapy or radiation treatment. That's true love. Imagine having to change his/her pants when he/she is too old or infirm to take care of himself/herself. That's true love. Imagine getting up every night with the baby so that he/she can sleep, despite the fact that you are so exhausted you have a hard time rolling yourself out of bed in the morning. That's true love. Imagine putting all of your hopes and dreams on hold, potentially on fahgetaboutit, until his/her goals are accomplished. That's true love. And let me assure you...love isn't all it takes to make a marriage work.
You are about to marry a person you barely even know. You have all the basics. You know your SO's favorite color, maybe a favorite meal. You are about to commit to spending the rest of your life with someone and you don't even know if he/she knows how to properly change a roll of toilet paper!
What's the rush?
A marriage is about mutual respect, communication, common dreams and goals. Does your SO listen to you when you talk? Do you listen to him/her? Do you respect his/her point of view, even if it is different from your own? When you have disagreements (and there will be LOADS of disagreements), do you just give in to stop the argument? Does he/she? Have you discussed children? Do you know how he/she feels about corporal punishment? Do you have the same spiritual values? When you look at your life 10 years down the road, do you two see the same thing...or even close? Do you like the same movies, books, TV shows, sports or hobbies? Are you on the same page about how much "together time" is sufficient? Do you want to see your SO grow and evolve into what he/she is, or would you prefer that he/she change <X> behavior to suit you? Does he/she leave you room to grow and evolve?
Marriages aren't like toys...he who dies with the most definitely does not win.
Add to the equation that you are taking responsibility for human lives that may not even exist yet. Children deserve two parents. They deserve to be created in love and raised surrounded by love.
Step away from the edge of this chasm. Think about this. If you are serious about each other...serious enough to get married...then shouldn't you be serious enough to wait for a while? If what you have together is real and lasting, then won't it still be real and lasting in a year? If you are worried that if you wait, you might lose them...shouldn't you examine that concern? Because if you are going to lose them in a year without a marriage, you are likely to lose them even WITH a marriage...doesn't that worry you more?
Good grief, can you please pull your head out of your ass? YOLO, right? Then shouldn't you take precautions to ensure that you are doing it RIGHT?
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Dear Fellow Grocery Shopper
Dear Fellow Grocery Shopper,
Did you ever notice, as you were winding your way through that consumer's forest of gluttony, how narrow those aisles are? There is usually just enough room for one cart going one direction down an aisle and one cart going the other...or for one cart to pass a stopped cart. So can you explain to me what would possess you to stop YOUR cart in the MIDDLE of the fucking aisle?
I know...there are so many decisions to make on every aisle. Forty-seven varieties of barbeque sauce. Two hundred thirty four varieties of breakfast cereal. Sixteen varieties of tomato based products manufactured by three different brand names. And that doesn't even address price comparison or size to price value. But believe me, parking in the middle of the aisle does not, in fact,provide you with more room to consider your options. The cart remains the same size. The aisle remains the same size. All you have succeeded in doing is putting the proverbial cork in the bottle. You have succeeded in stopping traffic going both directions. Oh, and you have pissed off everyone else in the aisle with you.
There are only two people in the grocery store that everyone hates more than you. The first is the other middle-of-the-aisle-cart-parking-jackass that WALKED THE FUCK AWAY from his cart to run back to a previous aisle to grab something he forgot. I can relate to the fading memory as we get older. But is it really necessary to add five minutes to the shopping experience of the entire aisle's population? If this happens every couple of aisles, suddenly my twenty minutes in the grocery store is stretched into an hour. I love a good shopping experience, but not so much that I want to more than double my time spent in one.
The other is the dumbass with fifteen items trying to waltz through the 10-items-or-less checkstand. Dude, let me explain. Fifteen bags of Doritos for your football party is not ONE item...it's fifteen items. Therefore it does not meet the criteria for 10-items-or-less. You would think that you could simply tell the cashier "I have 15 bags of this" and hand her one bag to scan then multiply by fifteen. But in most cases these days, you can't. Because Doritos come in a couple of different sized bags that look pretty similar to the lay person...are, in fact, very similar. Family sized and party sized bags are different by 1 ounce. We can't expect the cashier to know the product she is ringing up (which is an entirely different blog post, I can assure you). So she has to handle and scan each item separately. Sure, it doesn't take much longer for her to scan those extra five bags...but the lady standing behind you with a gallon of milk in one hand and a toddler with a runny nose in the other? She wants to rip off your head and shit down your neck.
So people, please...pull your head out of your ass. Have some situational awareness. You are not alone in the grocery store. Treat your cart as you would your car. Drive on the right side of the road. If you have to stop, pull over out of the way of traffic. If you have to walk away, ensure that your car(t) is not causing a mile-long traffic jam. Make sure you actually meet the criteria for that express lane.
Did you ever notice, as you were winding your way through that consumer's forest of gluttony, how narrow those aisles are? There is usually just enough room for one cart going one direction down an aisle and one cart going the other...or for one cart to pass a stopped cart. So can you explain to me what would possess you to stop YOUR cart in the MIDDLE of the fucking aisle?
I know...there are so many decisions to make on every aisle. Forty-seven varieties of barbeque sauce. Two hundred thirty four varieties of breakfast cereal. Sixteen varieties of tomato based products manufactured by three different brand names. And that doesn't even address price comparison or size to price value. But believe me, parking in the middle of the aisle does not, in fact,provide you with more room to consider your options. The cart remains the same size. The aisle remains the same size. All you have succeeded in doing is putting the proverbial cork in the bottle. You have succeeded in stopping traffic going both directions. Oh, and you have pissed off everyone else in the aisle with you.
There are only two people in the grocery store that everyone hates more than you. The first is the other middle-of-the-aisle-cart-parking-jackass that WALKED THE FUCK AWAY from his cart to run back to a previous aisle to grab something he forgot. I can relate to the fading memory as we get older. But is it really necessary to add five minutes to the shopping experience of the entire aisle's population? If this happens every couple of aisles, suddenly my twenty minutes in the grocery store is stretched into an hour. I love a good shopping experience, but not so much that I want to more than double my time spent in one.
The other is the dumbass with fifteen items trying to waltz through the 10-items-or-less checkstand. Dude, let me explain. Fifteen bags of Doritos for your football party is not ONE item...it's fifteen items. Therefore it does not meet the criteria for 10-items-or-less. You would think that you could simply tell the cashier "I have 15 bags of this" and hand her one bag to scan then multiply by fifteen. But in most cases these days, you can't. Because Doritos come in a couple of different sized bags that look pretty similar to the lay person...are, in fact, very similar. Family sized and party sized bags are different by 1 ounce. We can't expect the cashier to know the product she is ringing up (which is an entirely different blog post, I can assure you). So she has to handle and scan each item separately. Sure, it doesn't take much longer for her to scan those extra five bags...but the lady standing behind you with a gallon of milk in one hand and a toddler with a runny nose in the other? She wants to rip off your head and shit down your neck.
So people, please...pull your head out of your ass. Have some situational awareness. You are not alone in the grocery store. Treat your cart as you would your car. Drive on the right side of the road. If you have to stop, pull over out of the way of traffic. If you have to walk away, ensure that your car(t) is not causing a mile-long traffic jam. Make sure you actually meet the criteria for that express lane.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Dear Reader...
Welcome to my blog. Read it. Don't. Up to you. Blog posts are going to take the form of letters to people who need to...pull their heads out of their asses. So, I suppose if you are someone who needs to pull your head out of your ass, read on. Or, if you find you agree that some people need to pull their head out of their ass and you want to be amused, read on. But if you are someone who's head is firmly entrenched up your ass, and you really don't care, or worse, if you actually LIKE it there, well...you might want to move on. Nothing to see here for you.
What makes me an expert? What gives me the authority to tell you to pull your head out of your ass? I live on the same planet with you. That's it. That's what makes me an expert and gives me the authority. I am simply voicing what most people who know you are thinking but are too polite to say out loud. Or they are worried about hurting your feelings. Or they just don't feel that telling you that you have your head up your ass is worth their time. Those last ones are probably the worst. Because they don't think you have the ability to become more than an asshat. I, on the other hand, maintain hope that you are not, in fact, intentionally an asshat, but merely an uninformed individual, a sheep in the giant flock called humanity. I believe you have the ability to transcend your ignorance, to grow as a human being, to become more than a lesser life form.
Have I offended you yet? Keep reading. If I haven't yet, I'm sure I will at some point. In fact, I am positive that at one point or another, this blog will offend every single person who reads it. It's not really my intention to offend you. Offense is the first line of defense, though. Offense is what people use when something has a ring of truth that they are afraid of. So my intention is to be truthful, but not offensive. So my first piece of advice for reading this blog is get over yourself. I am not talking to YOU <insert name here>. If what I write about applies to you, then consider this (preferably before leaving ugly comments)...is it true? If it's true, and you offended by a truth about yourself, leaving mean comments on my blog won't change anything. I mean, I have the power of delete. Or ignore. I'm pretty hard to offend. So one of us will look like a screaming mimi...the other may look like an asshole. I can accept being the asshole if it means that even a single person who reads pulls their head out of their ass.
So, reader, thank you for reading. Oh...and can you please pull your head out of your ass?
What makes me an expert? What gives me the authority to tell you to pull your head out of your ass? I live on the same planet with you. That's it. That's what makes me an expert and gives me the authority. I am simply voicing what most people who know you are thinking but are too polite to say out loud. Or they are worried about hurting your feelings. Or they just don't feel that telling you that you have your head up your ass is worth their time. Those last ones are probably the worst. Because they don't think you have the ability to become more than an asshat. I, on the other hand, maintain hope that you are not, in fact, intentionally an asshat, but merely an uninformed individual, a sheep in the giant flock called humanity. I believe you have the ability to transcend your ignorance, to grow as a human being, to become more than a lesser life form.
Have I offended you yet? Keep reading. If I haven't yet, I'm sure I will at some point. In fact, I am positive that at one point or another, this blog will offend every single person who reads it. It's not really my intention to offend you. Offense is the first line of defense, though. Offense is what people use when something has a ring of truth that they are afraid of. So my intention is to be truthful, but not offensive. So my first piece of advice for reading this blog is get over yourself. I am not talking to YOU <insert name here>. If what I write about applies to you, then consider this (preferably before leaving ugly comments)...is it true? If it's true, and you offended by a truth about yourself, leaving mean comments on my blog won't change anything. I mean, I have the power of delete. Or ignore. I'm pretty hard to offend. So one of us will look like a screaming mimi...the other may look like an asshole. I can accept being the asshole if it means that even a single person who reads pulls their head out of their ass.
So, reader, thank you for reading. Oh...and can you please pull your head out of your ass?
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