Dear Stupid Person with Cats,

I want to apologize first because I am really really angry at the time of this post, so I may be more offensive than normal.  I am writing this blog after a few spiced rums and Dr. Peppers which may, in some small part, be clouding my judgement.  But if I can get everything spelled right and get all the grammar right, then I am okay with what I write at this moment.

I want to give a bit of background before I go full bore on this particular rant.  I am a cat owner/guardian/roommate depending on your view point.  I have four cats at the moment, though I have been guardian to up to 12 cats at a time.  Yes, to some of you, it will appear that I am the epitome of the crazy cat lady, and there have been days when I would be hard pressed to argue that perspective.  But as of right now, I have four cats...Gus, Corey, Pudge and Sox.  Gus is MY cat.  He was rescued from a dumpster behind a local Target in Southern California when he wasn't even yet old enough to have his eyes completely open.  I got him on my birthday in July of 2001.  Corey was rescued from the veterinarian's office when another of our cats, Shadow. was being treated for a chronic kidney disorder...a patron simply dumped him off in a box and said she wouldn't be returning to get him. The vet (our family vet for many, many years) told my mother that he was going to be euthanized because he (the vet) could not have another "shop cat" (he already had 3).  Pudge and Sox were "gifted" to us by friends whose cat had kittens that their pet Rottweiler was systematically killing and they were afraid for the lives of these three kittens (Pudge and Sox had a brother, Syd, who passed away two years ago) that remained from that litter.  In my life, I have been caretaker to a great number of cats.  Blackie, Whitey, Tiger, Stubby, Meower, Tiger, Mama, PJ, Smokey, Moe, Spot, Fred, Mugsy, Punkin, Frizzle, Whiteout, Shadow, Scruffy, Syd, Noodle, Kitty, Jax, 4 kittens who had names that my kids are going to kill me for not remembering.  I know a little bit about cats.  None of these cats were certified purebred (though Stubby was a Siamese and Meower was a Persian), all of them were rescues of some sort.  My mother was a cat person, her parents were cat people, and I can only assume that their parents were cat people.  I come from a long line of cat people.

I have been watching a show on Netflix called My Cat From Hell.  Its a show that airs on Animal Planet (one of the very few cable channels I enjoyed when I subscribed to cable).  Its host, Jackson Galaxy, is a cat behavioralist who visits dysfunctional "cat families" in the hopes of fixing what ails them.  I admire Jackson for the role he plays on the show.  He is part cat guru, part spiritualist, part hard scientist.  But honestly, this show needs to be renamed to "Stupid People With Cats", because that is what is portrayed here.  I am one and a half seasons into it and just from what I have seen thus far, I end nearly episode with the words "Oh my Gods, you are a fucking retard...."

First off, let me clarify...these are CATS we are talking about.  Ten pound, furry critters with brains the size of walnuts.  It seems ridiculous that I should have to point these things out to a human being, 125 lbs of flesh with a complex brain larger than any other animal in relation to its body size, but after watching this show, I'm afraid I feel that I MUST.  So if you are a stupid person with a cat, please pay attention.

• SPAY or NEUTER your cat.  No, really.  Do it.  Cats are animals.  They have just a few physical imperatives.  Hunt, eat, sleep, FUCK.  And unlike humans, who fuck for the fun of it, cats fuck for one reason...to MAKE MORE CATS.  When you spay or neuter your cat, you are helping the ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD.  To use very old statistics, in 1997, 2.7 million animals in the US were euthanized at shelters.  If half of those animals were cats (and up to 64% of them were cats), thats 1.35 million UNWANTED cats that had to be euthanized.  1,350,000.  One million, three hundred and fifty thousand.  Have a hard time when you sympathize with poor Fluffy getting his nuts cut out?  What about Fluffie's THOUSANDS of offspring EVERY YEAR that will have to be KILLED.  Can't picture poor Lulu never being able to be a mother?  What about Lulu's FIFTY kittens EVERY YEAR that will have to be KILLED?  Be realistic, Stupid Person with Cats...the vet is not cutting off YOUR balls or cutting out YOUR uterus.  
• Cats have a brain the size of a walnut.  They are not capable of complex processes like spite, antagonism, retribution.  Fluffy is not pissing on your laundry because he hates you.  Lulu is not pawing at the door because she knows you have an important meeting in the morning and wants to keep you awake.  When you attribute higher, complex emotions like retaliation and vindictiveness to a cat, you are, in essence, saying that the cat is as smart as you.  THE CAT IS AS SMART AS YOU.  Honestly?  You are no smarter than the cat?  I wonder if we aren't euthanizing the wrong species....
• Cats (and all pets) are not FOTM (flavor-of-the-month) toys.  Believe me, I know that Fluffy is cute as a button at 6 weeks old (I am a firm believer in the theory that there is no such thing as an ugly kitten), but he isn't going to be 6 weeks old forever.  He is going to grow from being a kitten to being a cat.  The average lifespan for an indoor cat is around 14 years.  Have a bit of foresight, would you?  Where are you going to be in 14 years?  When you commit to caring for another living creature, you commit for the entirety of its life, not just for the time it happens to be convenient for you.  This tiny, furry living critter is entrusting you with its LIFE.  Not sure where you are going in a year?  DON'T ADOPT A CAT!  Wait until your life is stable.  Trust me, there will be cats available then, too.

The last thing I am going to bitch about is an episode of the show I watched tonight, in which a man had taken responsibility for his ex-girlfriends 23 year old cat.  His current girlfriend (and baby-mama) is a "harmonic healer" in Southern California.  Harmonic Healing is a technique which uses light and sound frequency to moderate brain waves to shift energy blockages and balance chakras.  This woman had such resentment for this cat that her ultimatum to her significant other was "We fix the cat's issues, or we split up". The cat's "issues" were that he wanted to share her workspace with her and that he meowed at the door all night.  Let me put that in context for you.  A 23 year old cat is equivalent to a 108 year old human.  So this 108 year old person wants to spend time in your company and cries at the door when you close him out of your space.  And your answer to that is :"Get rid of the cat or I take your child away"?  Wait...you are a HEALER?  Listen to me, you fraudulent bitch...some of us actually think that things like harmonic healing work and have real effects in our daily lives.  You are so self-centered that you cannot share your space with a 23 year old CAT?  How on earth could you possibly put ME in harmony when you are clearly so OUT of harmony with the world around you?  Please...stop.  Close your practice.  Give your clients their money back.  You are a fraud.  And you corrupt those of us who AREN'T.  

Please...Stupid People with Cats....please pull your head out of your ass.  These are just poor, furry critters who want nothing more than food, love and space.